By now you know how much I loathe jello. Be it cherry, grape, lemon, or lime flavoured in bright hues, with or without fruit, shaped like a fish aquarium, eyeballs, or Canada’s flag, I hate it. It’s rubbery chewy texture sickens me and I can’t stand the weird over-sweet chemically taste. I cheerfully make do without jello for dessert. 

Imagine the shock and awe when I was flipping through a cook book and I noticed a recipe for eggs and vegetables in aspic. Oh. Ewww. It resembled a transparent bundt cake, but it was made from evenly distributed peeled hard boiled eggs, cooked veggies and covered (COVERED) in transparent jello. My eyes hurt and some bile bubbled up into my nose right there in the cook book section of Indigo. I don’t think I’m going to recover from that image for quite a while. 

So, aspic. It’s made from cooked down bones and gristle (head and feet are some choice bits of critter). It’s a thick liquid when hot but turns into edible rubber once it’s chilled. Pretty much any kind of  meat, eggs, and veggies can be cocooned within it’s clear clutches (some choice ingredients I found when I googled were veal, pigs trotters, pheasant, eel (you know, snakey fish), pig skin, cow skin, ox tongue).

I thought I hit aspic gold when I read “Larks Tongue in Aspic” because that’s at least a 10 on the Vomit Scale, but it turned out to be 70s prog rock band King Crimson song title:

Can you imagine trying to catch the larks, then pulling out their little tongues, and then prepping them in aspic? This would definitely be a tedious afternoon chore. And any icky one.

Video Spoiler: There are no larks! 

Why?

Picture it, you are drunk. Then someone hands you a tiny clear plastic cup holding a cylindrical shaped hunk of jello. You sucked it back eagerly and then WHOAH! It slides down your windpipe blocking it like a champagne cork. Oh, it’s bad to be you right now, especially since anyone around you is probably similarly poached in liquor.

Now what?

I dunno. I avoid jello like it’s made from boiled tendons.

But since I am such a sap, I did find a Youtube video that can show you how to make your own Jello Plug of Death.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

I watch for Paula Abdul. She’s cool

I don’t particularly like her music, and I’m not a fan of any of her videos. But she is half Canadian. That makes her half cool. Her cool becomes whole because she was in the 1978 musical “Junior High”. It’s a brilliant kids movie starring junior high school students, and one of them was a pre-nose job Paula Abdul as a party girl.

But I hadn’t met Mr. Winkle.

Ohh! Mr. Winkle! Your sweet fuzzy face makes me smile! Your floppy pink tongue is the most anerable thing this side of www.cuteoverload.com! Now, I must throw the budget to the wind and order a calendar even though we are nearly done with January!

Thank you, Jada, for introducing me to Mr. Winkle!

(BTW, if you can watch this without fainting in a heap, you have no soul.)

I would buy this in a heart beat. C’mon, it’s a toaster, a heater, a defibrillator, an iron, blow dryer, shaver, and AND it has a self destruct mode. Sounds wonderful!Much better than my current cell. Stupid thing. I can’t hear it ring (yes, the volume is on loud), the screen flashes on and off whenever I press any button, the camera takes horrible pictures, and I can’t get rid of the installed pictures and sound files because they are locked. At least it has Bluetooth. I use the Bluetooth to upload ridiculous candid recordings of my friends as my ringtone (Hi Jane, do you forgive me yet?).

My craptastic cellphone

I’m waiting until my contract ends, then I will pick out a better cell. Maybe with the self destruct mode…

And it makes me feel like…. blecch!

It’s taking longer for the sun to appear in the morning, and it’s diving beneath the horizon much sooner. I don’t like it. I’ve never liked autumn. It reminds me that winter will soon be here and be here for a long long stretch. Autumn is disappointing. I know people love watching the leaves change colour, enjoy the crisp afternoons and the smell of hint o’ winter in the air. I, on the other hand, see the dying and dead leaves, and the mess they create, the crummy chill makes me feel miserable, and my allergies become unbearable.

It also reminds me that this is the end of another year. No more new spring grass, no fluffy green leaves on the trees, no cute baby critters and birds. Gone is the sense of newness and the long wonderful days of summer heat and sun.

Nope. All gone. Autumn is the season of the old, the decrepit, and the dead.

So, I today I am mourning the death of summer. I’ve decided to remember and mourn it by playing this Youth Group video “Forever Young”, and sulk.

Today, let’s all sing to a cat — your cat, your neighbour’s cat, your imaginary cat, a cat awaiting adoption. In fact, sing to a cat while you’re adopting her!

Why?

Someone put a lot of time and creativity into this video. And that beggars the question, why?

This talented individual could be at the forefront of the avant garde movement. A real artist vision could be in the offing, but instead he or she is hoffing.

The Hoff can’t dance.

The Hoff can’t sing.

The Hoff’s acting reminds me of a marionette he’s so stiff and wooden.

The Hoff is an entertainment disaster.

Here are a few more great Hasselhoff youtube links:

This song is from his first American album “Knight Rocker”. And yes, I am trying to hold back the snickering. The woman in the car is David’s first wife, Catherine Hickland. The Hoff Trivia: Catherine’s second husband’s name is Michael Knight. David’s Knight Rider character was Michael Knight. Can life get odder? Only if I pay more attention to The Hoff Trivia.

My sincere apologies to Johnny Rivers. This is truly awful.

Thankfully, while we laugh and laugh and laugh, he laughs too.

Then there’s The Hoff’s claim that he helped the Berlin Wall’s fall back in 1989.

This man is a train wreck. And we all know what we do when we witness a train wreck… get popcorn.

Before I go take my nap, I’m joining Jeremiah the Orange Menace’s Facebook group called “Friends of the Orange Menace”

Great song on this video!