Make the Jello jiggle.

But don’t put any of it in your mouth. It’s made out of boiled hooves and tendons.

Oh, and spammers? Do you really think I’m going to approve your crappy comments? Your ridiculous insurances offers and jibberish only make me want to send your details to other scammers. If you do then I have a couple of bridges and some prime property on Mars for you. But this is a time limited offer!

By now you know how much I loathe jello. Be it cherry, grape, lemon, or lime flavoured in bright hues, with or without fruit, shaped like a fish aquarium, eyeballs, or Canada’s flag, I hate it. It’s rubbery chewy texture sickens me and I can’t stand the weird over-sweet chemically taste. I cheerfully make do without jello for dessert. 

Imagine the shock and awe when I was flipping through a cook book and I noticed a recipe for eggs and vegetables in aspic. Oh. Ewww. It resembled a transparent bundt cake, but it was made from evenly distributed peeled hard boiled eggs, cooked veggies and covered (COVERED) in transparent jello. My eyes hurt and some bile bubbled up into my nose right there in the cook book section of Indigo. I don’t think I’m going to recover from that image for quite a while. 

So, aspic. It’s made from cooked down bones and gristle (head and feet are some choice bits of critter). It’s a thick liquid when hot but turns into edible rubber once it’s chilled. Pretty much any kind of  meat, eggs, and veggies can be cocooned within it’s clear clutches (some choice ingredients I found when I googled were veal, pigs trotters, pheasant, eel (you know, snakey fish), pig skin, cow skin, ox tongue).

I thought I hit aspic gold when I read “Larks Tongue in Aspic” because that’s at least a 10 on the Vomit Scale, but it turned out to be 70s prog rock band King Crimson song title:

Can you imagine trying to catch the larks, then pulling out their little tongues, and then prepping them in aspic? This would definitely be a tedious afternoon chore. And any icky one.

Video Spoiler: There are no larks! 

I’ve never bought anything listed on any of these posters. I have a small place and I really don’t like furniture that smells like someone else’s life. I’m also not a big fan of Ikea, but I am fascinated by the hordes of arguing couples who shop there on any given weekend. I’ve often wondered if Ikea has ever provided their employees with “couples training” to prevent divorces that could break out at any moment when people are choosing colours for couches and shaggy throw rugs. One thing is for sure, Middle East peace talks will never happen in an Ikea.Today was a treat! I was perusing the latest posters when I found this gem:

It sounds like the furniture grew in the apartment from some ugly bright orange acorns and then took over the place.

No thank you.

Why?

Picture it, you are drunk. Then someone hands you a tiny clear plastic cup holding a cylindrical shaped hunk of jello. You sucked it back eagerly and then WHOAH! It slides down your windpipe blocking it like a champagne cork. Oh, it’s bad to be you right now, especially since anyone around you is probably similarly poached in liquor.

Now what?

I dunno. I avoid jello like it’s made from boiled tendons.

But since I am such a sap, I did find a Youtube video that can show you how to make your own Jello Plug of Death.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

ERGO, MORMONS ENJOY JELLO. WITH SHREDDED CARROTS. SOMETIMES FRUIT.
And apparently the green lime flavoured Jello (or sneaker flavoured to be more precise) is a favourite because many more boxes of the green stuff was sold in Utah than in other states.

Eww.

THE IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN JELLO IS GELATIN.
And gelatin comes from boiling and boiling and boiling the connective tissue from animals. I read a most wonderful article in The Chemical and Engineering News (online edition) and provides and interesting chemical and historical information about Jello. That’s right CHEMICAL AND ENGINEERING NEWS. Because that’s where I want to find the latest and greatest food recipes. 

HOW TO CONQUER JELLO 
When you see a bowl of jello coagulating in the fridge, toss in a handful of FRESH pineapple. The pineapple contains an enzyme that will neutralize the evil quivering jello into harmless flushable mush. Do it! It’s the only way we can defend ourselves from this foul snack. 

But if you persist: Here’s some information about how to satisfy your South Beach Diet requirements and create a Jello-based holiday recipe then check out this picture I found at Kalyn’s Kitchen:

It’s Double Berry Jello Salad.

And yes, it does look like it’s been hacked off a person.

Horrible. Just horrible. 

I think 1:1 odds that I won’t check it at all.

Double yuck topped with whipped liver.

I found numerous websites dedicated to jello based recipes.

Yecch!

I pledge to share these with you. You are welcome.

Sawdust Salad, anyone? My favourite part is the option to “Grate cheese on top if desired”. Thanks, but that would ruin a perfectly good bit of cheese.

Maybe you are not getting enough calories. I know this is rather troublesome for people. So here is a recipe to help you pack on the poundage, HorseRadish Mold.

Num num num! The recipe promises 2113 calories per serving. I imagine it comes from either the 1 cup of mayonnaise, or possibly the 1 cup of sour cream. Unless it’s the 4 ounces of horseradish… Regardless, you can be sure to plump up soon after a plate of this salad.

And the Vingada.com Award for Least Appealing Recipe Title: Mom’s Congealed Salad! I wonder what the punishment is if you don’t clean off your plate? This sounds vile… especially the instruction to add ice cream to the blender if the cottage cheese-mayo-jello mix isn’t sweet enough. Oh, and don’t forget to garnish this with nuts.

I suddenly have a craving for anything that is not sour cream, mayonnaise, cottage cheese, horseradish, or jello. Particularily lemon, lime, and orange varieties.

But I’ll leave you with this bonus recipe in it’s entirety.

Olive Relish

Dissolve Jell-O in hot water. Add vinegar and salt. Chill. When slightly thickened, add remaining ingredients. Turn into small individual molds. Chill until firm. Unmold. Serve with fish or meat. Makes 12 molds. Hospitality needn’t cost you much … either money or pints. Try some of these color-and-savor combinations, all made with food easy to get nowadays. They’ll prove to you and your friends that you can still do luscious entertaining in spite of shortages and rations. Say welcome in wartime!

I copied this recipe from the Jello Museum‘s website. Yes, the Jello Museum, opened by none other than Bill Cosby. Go look, they have pictures. Anyhoo, the Jello Museum has several “Historic Jello Recipes”. I dunno, maybe jello saved the free world from fascism.

Bon appetit!

May I present to you… Jello’s Holiday Waldorf Salad!!

Be honest with me… does it look like creamy compost? I think it has an extruded from mashed grass clippings look about it.

Who came up with this gem? Can you imagine the thought process that went into developing this recipe? “I’m thinking lemon Jello and and and mayonnaise! Yeah and apple! And I need to punch up the flavours with some celery! This will be fabulous.”

Not only would I have to be starving before I ate this, I’d first have to eat the wall-to-wall shag carpet and the curtains in the living room before I’d drop a tablespoon of this glop on my plate.

Besides, isn’t Waldorf Salad supposed to have chicken in it? Did Jello figure there was enough meat product (from hooves) in it to satisfy that recipe trolling public that the chicken (from chicken) wasn’t necessary?

Well I’m not going to be the first to eat this. Here’s the recipe. Tell me how it goes.

So, I was thinking about having my best gals over for canasta and long island ice teas. I figure with the fellas off on their hunting trip, we ladies should get together and bad talk them. Salad is all we’ll eat since we are preserving our curvy figures. I went to my favourite site, Jello, and skimmed through the scrumdelicious recipes looking for the perfect one.

Here’s the address. Thank me later (preferably with a pitcher of martinis).

I dare you! That, my dears, is a jello concoction of the vilest kind. The innocent goldfish bowl rendered in jello, cake, and assorted chewy candy. Revolting.

But, in case you are having people you despise over for dinner, here is the recipe link. But please be merciful and don’t feed them lima beans, too.

You know what this recipe is missing? Sharks with fricking laser beams on their heads.