Trees Shackled for Public Safety

Trees Imprisoned On Spadina Avenue.

Spadina Avenue’s recent spate of tree attacks have halted since the half dozen trees were shackled in place late last week.

Three recent attacks by the small, yet agressive trees were the reason for this latest attempt to control their behaviour.

“I saw that little one with the scruffy leaves approach a mum with a stroller.” One witness, who didn’t want to be identified, acounts. “It was walking slowly behind the lady, kind of stepping on the heels of her shoes. And those roots have big knuckles on ’em, so it hurt. I could tell.”

The mum in question notified the city’s parks departments and complained, citing that this wasn’t the first time this tree has treated her rudely.

Jane Jacobiak, a tree sociologist, commented on the state of the trees “Well this was bound to happen. The trees are rebelling against the people. Trees are supposed to have plenty of fresh air, clean water and deep soil. They’re prevented from forming deep roots and they’re angry about it.”

Locals are demanding that the city control these wayward trees. One neighbourhood business operator said “The city should cut ’em down! I’m tired of cleaning up after those slobs. Always dropping leaves, shedding bark and bits of branches. I try and get here early to brush up their seed pods in the spring and fall. Dirty gits! Kids and nice people walk by here everyday!”

The city has stated that none of the trees will be removed. For now the trees movements are limited by chains around their trunks and concrete slabs near the roots.

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