Jello Facts That Horrify Me (and probably you)

JELLO IS THE OFFICIAL STATE SNACK FOOD OF UTAH
How horrible for them. According to this Wikipedia article that has seriously frayed my nerves, Utah is part of the “Jello Belt”.

ERGO, MORMONS ENJOY JELLO. WITH SHREDDED CARROTS. SOMETIMES FRUIT.
And apparently the green lime flavoured Jello (or sneaker flavoured to be more precise) is a favourite because many more boxes of the green stuff was sold in Utah than in other states.

Eww.

THE IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN JELLO IS GELATIN.
And gelatin comes from boiling and boiling and boiling the connective tissue from animals. I read a most wonderful article in The Chemical and Engineering News (online edition) and provides and interesting chemical and historical information about Jello. That’s right CHEMICAL AND ENGINEERING NEWS. Because that’s where I want to find the latest and greatest food recipes. 

HOW TO CONQUER JELLO 
When you see a bowl of jello coagulating in the fridge, toss in a handful of FRESH pineapple. The pineapple contains an enzyme that will neutralize the evil quivering jello into harmless flushable mush. Do it! It’s the only way we can defend ourselves from this foul snack. 

But if you persist: Here’s some information about how to satisfy your South Beach Diet requirements and create a Jello-based holiday recipe then check out this picture I found at Kalyn’s Kitchen:

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It’s Double Berry Jello Salad.

And yes, it does look like it’s been hacked off a person.

Horrible. Just horrible. 

And I thought I’d found all of the horrible jello recipes in existence…

Nope.

I found numerous websites dedicated to jello based recipes.

Yecch!

I pledge to share these with you. You are welcome.

Sawdust Salad, anyone? My favourite part is the option to “Grate cheese on top if desired”. Thanks, but that would ruin a perfectly good bit of cheese.

Maybe you are not getting enough calories. I know this is rather troublesome for people. So here is a recipe to help you pack on the poundage, HorseRadish Mold.

Num num num! The recipe promises 2113 calories per serving. I imagine it comes from either the 1 cup of mayonnaise, or possibly the 1 cup of sour cream. Unless it’s the 4 ounces of horseradish… Regardless, you can be sure to plump up soon after a plate of this salad.

And the Vingada.com Award for Least Appealing Recipe Title: Mom’s Congealed Salad! I wonder what the punishment is if you don’t clean off your plate? This sounds vile… especially the instruction to add ice cream to the blender if the cottage cheese-mayo-jello mix isn’t sweet enough. Oh, and don’t forget to garnish this with nuts.

I suddenly have a craving for anything that is not sour cream, mayonnaise, cottage cheese, horseradish, or jello. Particularily lemon, lime, and orange varieties.

But I’ll leave you with this bonus recipe in it’s entirety.

Olive Relish

Bright Spots For Wartime Meals – 66 Ration-Wise Recipes, 1944

1 pkg Lime Jell-O
1 pint hot water
3 tbsp. vinegar
1/4 tsp. salt
3/4 cup sliced stuffed olives
1/2 cup sliced sweet pickles
1/4 cup diced celery, if desired

Dissolve Jell-O in hot water. Add vinegar and salt. Chill. When slightly thickened, add remaining ingredients. Turn into small individual molds. Chill until firm. Unmold. Serve with fish or meat. Makes 12 molds. Hospitality needn’t cost you much … either money or pints. Try some of these color-and-savor combinations, all made with food easy to get nowadays. They’ll prove to you and your friends that you can still do luscious entertaining in spite of shortages and rations. Say welcome in wartime!

I copied this recipe from the Jello Museum‘s website. Yes, the Jello Museum, opened by none other than Bill Cosby. Go look, they have pictures. Anyhoo, the Jello Museum has several “Historic Jello Recipes”. I dunno, maybe jello saved the free world from fascism.

Bon appetit!

Umm… is that a green molded salad? Do you hate me THAT much?

This is what I’d expect any guest to ask if I presented this Jello based entree.

May I present to you… Jello’s Holiday Waldorf Salad!!

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Be honest with me… does it look like creamy compost? I think it has an extruded from mashed grass clippings look about it.

Who came up with this gem? Can you imagine the thought process that went into developing this recipe? “I’m thinking lemon Jello and and and mayonnaise! Yeah and apple! And I need to punch up the flavours with some celery! This will be fabulous.”

Not only would I have to be starving before I ate this, I’d first have to eat the wall-to-wall shag carpet and the curtains in the living room before I’d drop a tablespoon of this glop on my plate.

Besides, isn’t Waldorf Salad supposed to have chicken in it? Did Jello figure there was enough meat product (from hooves) in it to satisfy that recipe trolling public that the chicken (from chicken) wasn’t necessary?

Well I’m not going to be the first to eat this. Here’s the recipe. Tell me how it goes.