Hideous Furniture

My apartment building has a remarkable tenant turnover rate. Each month for a solid week there are people moving their belongings in and out of new/old units. This results in tons of sale posters taped on walls by the elevators in the lobby and concourse, selling mostly Ikea bookshelves, Ikea dining room tables and chairs, Ikea sofa beds, Ikea tv stands, Ikea closet organizers, Ikea kitchen utensils, and a lot of other Ikea branded stuff. Which is great for anyone starting out or someone who wants to complete their Ikea themed apartment, or people who love allan keys. Also for sale are old television sets, Pentium 1 computers, dot matrix printers, enormous Yamaha organs, and house plants that thrived and turned into house trees. Sometimes a bird comes up on offer, or maybe a lizard with a terrarium and Lizard Kibble, and even an aquarium full of tetras (one time, disturbingly, the poster listing an aquarium on offer stated “new owners not required to keep fish”. I shudder to think what the fishes fate was). Now and then there are fur coats, leather jackets, ski equipment, snow boarding gear, and now and then a gaming system for “low low prices”.

I’ve never bought anything listed on any of these posters. I have a small place and I really don’t like furniture that smells like someone else’s life. I’m also not a big fan of Ikea, but I am fascinated by the hordes of arguing couples who shop there on any given weekend. I’ve often wondered if Ikea has ever provided their employees with “couples training” to prevent divorces that could break out at any moment when people are choosing colours for couches and shaggy throw rugs. One thing is for sure, Middle East peace talks will never happen in an Ikea.Today was a treat! I was perusing the latest posters when I found this gem:


It sounds like the furniture grew in the apartment from some ugly bright orange acorns and then took over the place.

No thank you.